heartbreak ramblings

recently there has been an emotional upheaval in my life. the relationship that i have been in for 9 months has vanished. literally vanished. we were discussing moving van prices and our game plan for saving money together, and then....nothing. out of nowhere, he "can't" anymore.

this isn't fair. has the last 9 months been a joke to him? did anything he tell me, share with me really exist in his mind? did he ever seriously think that i was the one? because he said so. i have documentation to prove it. why would someone disclose that if they were half-assing it. that is a big deal. you don't say it out loud unless you are serious. and if you are serious, then how can you suddenly turn it off and ignore it?

none of this makes sense to me. i am feeling so insignificant and disregarded. i feel disrespected with how he went about doing this. sure, we are long distance and that puts a wrench in things. but if he really loved me and cared about me, he would have come down here and had this conversation face to face. especially since it was all his doing; i was completely blindsighted.

and they he had to come at me with "i need to make sure i am making the right decision" and "i'll explain more later" in an email. that's just unfair. i had begun my healing process, and then he puts me in a holding pattern for an indetermined amount of time. i'm sorry, but i am not going to go through this pain again, so as far as i'm concerned he is done with me. i can't just sit quietly, twiddling my thumbs while he decides if he really wants to be with me. that's crap. if he wants it, he wouldn't need to contemplate. especially at this stage of the game, when i am a few months away from relocating my life to be with him, to move forward with our relationship.

the best reason he could come up with was "I don't know if I'll be ready for a committment*for a long long time." Ok, so here are my translations for that: 1) I need to sleep with a lot more women. 2) You are not the woman I want to be with. 3) I'm scared and I don't know how to deal with such a big step and I am not willing to step up to the challenge and walk through this with you.

but regardless of what he means, it still doesn't make sense to me. two days prior to him dropping this bomb, we were discussing Ikea furniture that would look good in his place, to fit my clothes. there were no warning signs telling me that he didn't want this or was unsure of this.

i'm hurt to my core because i know he is pushing this away. i'm hurt because he isn't honoring me or our relationship by explaining anything. i'm hurt because he is abandoning me before we have a chance to see where we can go together. i'm hurt because now i feel like i am worth nothing to him and made no impact on his life whatsoever. i'm hurt because i let myself fall for him and he is just dropping me by the wayside. i'm hurt because i wasn't ready for this to end; i wasn't done loving him and i'm still not done. i'm hurt because he has turned his "I love Leah" switch to 'off' like it is no big deal.

i don't get it. i will never get it.



*keep in mind that ididn't have a timeframe on the progression of our relationship. moving out there was a mutual decision and decided upon because we both wanted our relationship to grow.