this crazy life
i will not take this seriously. i will chalk this up to mere coincidence. fate. chance. whatever.
the thing is that i got news today of another ex-boyfriend who has gotten engaged. no big deal, but the catch is that he is the second ex who has gotten engaged in the past year to the girlfriend that followed my relationship with the ex. as much as i am sure it has nothing to do with me, it does make me question my own qualities -- in moments of vulnerability. am i a springboard girl? do i show men what it is that they don't want? am i a last fling before settling down?
i was very impressed with myself tonight, as i could have pouted and taken this as an attack on my capabilities to maintain a relationship. instead, when thoughts of the situation came to mind, i reminded myself that i am not in a place where i want to be married quite yet, and definitely not to him. i played soccer, scored a goal, did some grocery shopping and folded laundry. and i was very happy having a laid back evening like this.
3 years ago i was in a relationship with a man that i thought i was going to marry. it turns out that "he just wasn't that into me" and we parted ways. a month later, he was with a woman that he is now engaged to. life is tough and painful, sometimes. that experience has taught me so much about myself and i am so grateful for it. i would have never moved to texas and taken this leap of independence. i can't imagine what my life would be like today if i would have stuck around, waiting for him to make up his mind about if i was good enough for him or not.
i registered for a master's level social work course today. i am taking action on a dream that has been simmering and slow cooking for a long time. this is usually the time when i turn and run from a positive experience, or find a way to sabotage the opportunity. but i am facing it full on and going straight into what i want my future to be. i have to dust off my backpack and sharpen my pencils because it is back to school for bean. this decision would have never come to me so clearly if i had been distracted by a romantic relationship -- i would have been happy to just be loved.
but through this journey, i have learned that there is more to my life than finding love -- it is realizing my goals and dreams and actually taking the risk to accomplish them. sure, love would be nice, but i am realizing that i won't find that love, nor will i be ready to recieve that love, until i take care of myself and give myself unconditional love first. and part of that unconditional love includes nurturing my need to change careers and challenge myself intellectually for my masters of social work.
this isn't to say that i don't have love in my life -- i have an incredible family and amazing friends who fill me up entirely. but we all have that extra pocket for romantic love (kind of like the dessert stomach -- you may be full with dinner, but there is always a little extra room for dessert!). i am sure that pocket will be filled when i am ready and when the stars are aligned and all is right in miss bean's world.
it is so good that feelings are temporary -- they change and shift and evolve. they are not reality. they are momentary mirages. i feel like a lyric from an atmosphere tune, "and i'm gonna be alright, and you're gonna be alright, you ain't gotta hold my hand, just walk with me tonight."
and now it is time to go to sleep. alone. poor guy, he's now engaged and will forever be questioned if he ever wants to sleep alone again!
the thing is that i got news today of another ex-boyfriend who has gotten engaged. no big deal, but the catch is that he is the second ex who has gotten engaged in the past year to the girlfriend that followed my relationship with the ex. as much as i am sure it has nothing to do with me, it does make me question my own qualities -- in moments of vulnerability. am i a springboard girl? do i show men what it is that they don't want? am i a last fling before settling down?
i was very impressed with myself tonight, as i could have pouted and taken this as an attack on my capabilities to maintain a relationship. instead, when thoughts of the situation came to mind, i reminded myself that i am not in a place where i want to be married quite yet, and definitely not to him. i played soccer, scored a goal, did some grocery shopping and folded laundry. and i was very happy having a laid back evening like this.
3 years ago i was in a relationship with a man that i thought i was going to marry. it turns out that "he just wasn't that into me" and we parted ways. a month later, he was with a woman that he is now engaged to. life is tough and painful, sometimes. that experience has taught me so much about myself and i am so grateful for it. i would have never moved to texas and taken this leap of independence. i can't imagine what my life would be like today if i would have stuck around, waiting for him to make up his mind about if i was good enough for him or not.
i registered for a master's level social work course today. i am taking action on a dream that has been simmering and slow cooking for a long time. this is usually the time when i turn and run from a positive experience, or find a way to sabotage the opportunity. but i am facing it full on and going straight into what i want my future to be. i have to dust off my backpack and sharpen my pencils because it is back to school for bean. this decision would have never come to me so clearly if i had been distracted by a romantic relationship -- i would have been happy to just be loved.
but through this journey, i have learned that there is more to my life than finding love -- it is realizing my goals and dreams and actually taking the risk to accomplish them. sure, love would be nice, but i am realizing that i won't find that love, nor will i be ready to recieve that love, until i take care of myself and give myself unconditional love first. and part of that unconditional love includes nurturing my need to change careers and challenge myself intellectually for my masters of social work.
this isn't to say that i don't have love in my life -- i have an incredible family and amazing friends who fill me up entirely. but we all have that extra pocket for romantic love (kind of like the dessert stomach -- you may be full with dinner, but there is always a little extra room for dessert!). i am sure that pocket will be filled when i am ready and when the stars are aligned and all is right in miss bean's world.
it is so good that feelings are temporary -- they change and shift and evolve. they are not reality. they are momentary mirages. i feel like a lyric from an atmosphere tune, "and i'm gonna be alright, and you're gonna be alright, you ain't gotta hold my hand, just walk with me tonight."
and now it is time to go to sleep. alone. poor guy, he's now engaged and will forever be questioned if he ever wants to sleep alone again!
posted by preissless at 9:32 PM
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