home, home on the range

i love minnesota. there is no getting around it. my family is there. my history is there. my friends are there. there must be something in the water up there (it's clean, perhaps?) that makes everying so genuine, organic, honest and true.

whatever it is, i am still searching madly for it down here..

i was able to see my old apartment mate, jenny. she moved to new york a month before i moved to dallas. i hadn't seen her since she left. it was so good to see her and share experiences about our new homes. she now is a superfly fashion designer, doing the new york thing. it fits her, it seems to be exactly what she was subconsciously seeking, and now it is hers.

i got to spend time with dre. our friendship is one that has miraculously gotten stronger through distance. we are kindred spirits that travel amongst the clouds, giggling and chattering, unaware of much going on around us. i am so proud of the strides dre is making in her life, taking risks, following her path. to thine own self be true.

i was lucky enough to steal time with p. we look into eachothers eyes and see past our fronts, into our souls. no matter where in the world this life takes us, we will always see our truths the moment our eyes meet.

i had coffee with marge. she is such a beacon of light in my life, and in her presence i am transformed. we pick up exactly where we left off last, as if there was no time or distance between us. she is real, and she will never know how much i admire her.

i was a guest in the benson family for an afternoon. beth, dave and izzy compose the most precious young family. with one on the way, they have a home filled with love, laughter and happiness. it is beautiful to see and experience secondhand, if only temporarily.

these people are irreplaceable in my life.

the friendships are unduplicateable.

i treasure them all in my core of my being.

ramblings of fear

melancholy seeps into my bones like tea, tainting my soul with a subtle but deep ache.

it comes like waves preceding a hurricane: each one is larger and more intense.

i should flee, hed the proper precautions to protect myself.

but how does one escape themselves, their own emotional tides?

perhaps this is what i must remember, the tide ebbs and flows with the phases of the moon.

where is the moon these days?

it many have a lot to do with my momentary place and position in the emotional realm.

i search my soul for what i want, what i need.

i cannot identify this thing.

i am filled with fear and self-doubt and insecurity that grows and crowds out ambition.

my goals seeming silly and unattainable, so i retreat.

i cling to that which i excel and thrive, that which i am safe within.

i must push myself out into the abyss of chance and hope and believe that my fate is waiting there for me.

seasonless

waking is nostalgic these days. the light that is cast in my room gives the illusion that a silent snowfall has covered the earth during the night. the need and desire to hibernate is strong, wanting to bury myself in my covers and go in and out of sleep all day long.

in all actuality, it is november in texas, and just another overcast day. the grass is still green, the leaves still cling to the trees, and it will probably make it up to the mid 50's today.

the lack of seasons makes me feel as though i am stuck in a vaccuum. i still feel like it is mid-september, but my calendar tells the truth. it is confusing and frustrating. it makes me sad.

i must admit

i know i complain about living in dallas quite a bit. but... this weekend has been amazing. waling around in a t-shirt and flip flops in botanical gardens, driving with the car windows down wearing a tank top and sunglasses in november is pretty nice. as much as i love the chilly minnesota air of autumn, there is something to be said about having the warmth of the sunshine on your bare shoulders in the eleventh month of the year. i hate to say it, but i might be able to get used to this.

in limbo, in purgatory

i had the opportunity to be home this past weekend. it was beautiful. i was able to see a handful of friends that i keep close to my heart. i was able to spend time with my family which was filled with laughter and hugs. even so, it isn't the same as when i lived there, and it never will be the same again. this is what i must remember.

for the first year of living in dallas, i was convinced that i needed to move back to minneapolis. i was very sad here, i had a hard time making friends and meeting new people. i had to travel a lot for work, which made my homelife very disconnected and sporatic. it was a very hard year. i moved here totally by myself, leaving everything that was familiar and comfortable to me. but i did it, and i am glad now that i did.

but now what?

i don't like the job i am in. the job was the reason i moved to dallas. through experiences i have had here, and in the past, it has become clear to me that i want to move into social work for a career. i must go back to school to get my masters in order to advance in that field.

now faced with another set of choices for schools. do i stay in dallas? it would make financial sense to do that, since i am now a resident of texas and it will be cheaper to go to school here. do i go back to minneapolis? perhaps, since i wanted to be back so badly for the past year.

but why?

i felt as though i was missing out on whatever was happening in minneapolis, although i can guarantee that nothing terribly special was going on without me. but there is a lot to say about being close to family, at least for me it is important. but we are all fully capable of catching a plane to go here or there to see eachother. and when i lived in minneapolis, i wasn't exactly running home to see my parents every weekend, i would sometimes go a month or two between seeing them in person.

so then what?

i suppose i will apply to schools both in dallas and minneapolis and see where i am accepted and decide at that point. i don't have to make any decisions today, it is all just running around in my brain so i must put it out into the infinite abyss.

to be continued....

it was beautiful. it was the semi-final game of women's indoor soccer. we had just tied the game 2-2 when the buzzer ran out. a finals game cannot end in a tie, there must be a winner. we went into sudden-death overtime of 2 three-minute halves, where the first team to score a goal will win the game. it was our kick-off. the tension was high. the whistle blew, and without hesitation, i wound up and took a half field shot on the goal. it was a line-drive straight towards the goal. the goalie didn't see it coming. she reached up towards the ball as it cleared just over her hands, and just under the goal post. within 2 seconds of sudden-death overtime, we had secured ourselves a spot in the final championship game. you gotta love a victory like that.

hello out there...

so this is new. just an expirement, really. i will shoot thoughts off into the infinite abyss known as the internet. what is there to write? daily observations? random ponderings? monumental self discovery and awakenings? perhaps.

it may be nothing that i ever share with anyone. i may get on a kick where i am addicted to posting new thoughts. we shall see.

today i realize again that sugar is something that has negative impacts on my gastrointestinal track. this is probably more than anyone ever wanted to know about my internal anatomy, but there you go. it is something.

well, i suppose it should be back to work for another 1/2 hour or so.

laters,