what to do?

here are my options:

1. move home to minnesota, live with my parents and enroll in grad school for social work for the fall of 2006 because i got scared and didn't submit my applications on time for the 2005 deadline. i can work and save up money in the meantime. this would be good because i would have a strong social support network to help my morale. i could also live rent free for a little while. but i would still have to take out loans for school because of the private school aspect.

2. stay here and enroll as early as fall 2005 at UTA. quit my job and find a job in the social work field gaining experience and building my resume. find cheap student housing and/or roommate and just be very poor for a few years. this would be good because i wouldn't have to make another huge move and put my life in another major upheaval. i would still have to take out loans for school, but perhaps not as much because i am a resident and this is a state school.

if anyone reads this and has an opinion whatsoever as to what you might do, please share. this process is so tiring, i am the worst at making huge decisions like this. i just want someone to come along and tell me what to do. of course this won't be the case, but sometimes i think that would be easiest.

now i am going to try to go back to sleep.

this crazy life

i will not take this seriously. i will chalk this up to mere coincidence. fate. chance. whatever.

the thing is that i got news today of another ex-boyfriend who has gotten engaged. no big deal, but the catch is that he is the second ex who has gotten engaged in the past year to the girlfriend that followed my relationship with the ex. as much as i am sure it has nothing to do with me, it does make me question my own qualities -- in moments of vulnerability. am i a springboard girl? do i show men what it is that they don't want? am i a last fling before settling down?

i was very impressed with myself tonight, as i could have pouted and taken this as an attack on my capabilities to maintain a relationship. instead, when thoughts of the situation came to mind, i reminded myself that i am not in a place where i want to be married quite yet, and definitely not to him. i played soccer, scored a goal, did some grocery shopping and folded laundry. and i was very happy having a laid back evening like this.

3 years ago i was in a relationship with a man that i thought i was going to marry. it turns out that "he just wasn't that into me" and we parted ways. a month later, he was with a woman that he is now engaged to. life is tough and painful, sometimes. that experience has taught me so much about myself and i am so grateful for it. i would have never moved to texas and taken this leap of independence. i can't imagine what my life would be like today if i would have stuck around, waiting for him to make up his mind about if i was good enough for him or not.

i registered for a master's level social work course today. i am taking action on a dream that has been simmering and slow cooking for a long time. this is usually the time when i turn and run from a positive experience, or find a way to sabotage the opportunity. but i am facing it full on and going straight into what i want my future to be. i have to dust off my backpack and sharpen my pencils because it is back to school for bean. this decision would have never come to me so clearly if i had been distracted by a romantic relationship -- i would have been happy to just be loved.

but through this journey, i have learned that there is more to my life than finding love -- it is realizing my goals and dreams and actually taking the risk to accomplish them. sure, love would be nice, but i am realizing that i won't find that love, nor will i be ready to recieve that love, until i take care of myself and give myself unconditional love first. and part of that unconditional love includes nurturing my need to change careers and challenge myself intellectually for my masters of social work.

this isn't to say that i don't have love in my life -- i have an incredible family and amazing friends who fill me up entirely. but we all have that extra pocket for romantic love (kind of like the dessert stomach -- you may be full with dinner, but there is always a little extra room for dessert!). i am sure that pocket will be filled when i am ready and when the stars are aligned and all is right in miss bean's world.

it is so good that feelings are temporary -- they change and shift and evolve. they are not reality. they are momentary mirages. i feel like a lyric from an atmosphere tune, "and i'm gonna be alright, and you're gonna be alright, you ain't gotta hold my hand, just walk with me tonight."

and now it is time to go to sleep. alone. poor guy, he's now engaged and will forever be questioned if he ever wants to sleep alone again!