heartbreak ramblings

recently there has been an emotional upheaval in my life. the relationship that i have been in for 9 months has vanished. literally vanished. we were discussing moving van prices and our game plan for saving money together, and then....nothing. out of nowhere, he "can't" anymore.

this isn't fair. has the last 9 months been a joke to him? did anything he tell me, share with me really exist in his mind? did he ever seriously think that i was the one? because he said so. i have documentation to prove it. why would someone disclose that if they were half-assing it. that is a big deal. you don't say it out loud unless you are serious. and if you are serious, then how can you suddenly turn it off and ignore it?

none of this makes sense to me. i am feeling so insignificant and disregarded. i feel disrespected with how he went about doing this. sure, we are long distance and that puts a wrench in things. but if he really loved me and cared about me, he would have come down here and had this conversation face to face. especially since it was all his doing; i was completely blindsighted.

and they he had to come at me with "i need to make sure i am making the right decision" and "i'll explain more later" in an email. that's just unfair. i had begun my healing process, and then he puts me in a holding pattern for an indetermined amount of time. i'm sorry, but i am not going to go through this pain again, so as far as i'm concerned he is done with me. i can't just sit quietly, twiddling my thumbs while he decides if he really wants to be with me. that's crap. if he wants it, he wouldn't need to contemplate. especially at this stage of the game, when i am a few months away from relocating my life to be with him, to move forward with our relationship.

the best reason he could come up with was "I don't know if I'll be ready for a committment*for a long long time." Ok, so here are my translations for that: 1) I need to sleep with a lot more women. 2) You are not the woman I want to be with. 3) I'm scared and I don't know how to deal with such a big step and I am not willing to step up to the challenge and walk through this with you.

but regardless of what he means, it still doesn't make sense to me. two days prior to him dropping this bomb, we were discussing Ikea furniture that would look good in his place, to fit my clothes. there were no warning signs telling me that he didn't want this or was unsure of this.

i'm hurt to my core because i know he is pushing this away. i'm hurt because he isn't honoring me or our relationship by explaining anything. i'm hurt because he is abandoning me before we have a chance to see where we can go together. i'm hurt because now i feel like i am worth nothing to him and made no impact on his life whatsoever. i'm hurt because i let myself fall for him and he is just dropping me by the wayside. i'm hurt because i wasn't ready for this to end; i wasn't done loving him and i'm still not done. i'm hurt because he has turned his "I love Leah" switch to 'off' like it is no big deal.

i don't get it. i will never get it.



*keep in mind that ididn't have a timeframe on the progression of our relationship. moving out there was a mutual decision and decided upon because we both wanted our relationship to grow.

travel, travel, travel, vacation!

last weekend i travelled to Washington state for work. i hadn't been there for about 6 years. that part of the country is at the top of my list in terms of beauty. the combination of mountains, ocean and forest is perfect. i wouldn't mind relocating there at some point in my life, and i honestly think that i will. i had the opportunity to stay with family friends who have known me since i was a baby. the experience of spending time with them as an adult was great. it must have been interesting for them as well, the last time we spent time together at length was when i was a freshman in high school!

this weekend i am off to Washington D.C. for another work comittment. i love going to D.C. because of the small group of friends i have out there. topher is graciously allowing me to spend a night at his house and will let me tag along to any activities that might happen in his social network. any time i get to spend with topher is filled with laughter and truth.

i get back to Dallas on Sunday night from D.C. and on Monday morning, i fly off to Hawaii for a week of vacation with a girlfriend from work! i have never taken a grown-up vacation with a friend before! we are so excited to lounge on the beach, explore the island, swim, hike, bike and relax! this vacation is so needed at this point!

i will write all about my trip when i get back. until then, aloha!

what to do?

here are my options:

1. move home to minnesota, live with my parents and enroll in grad school for social work for the fall of 2006 because i got scared and didn't submit my applications on time for the 2005 deadline. i can work and save up money in the meantime. this would be good because i would have a strong social support network to help my morale. i could also live rent free for a little while. but i would still have to take out loans for school because of the private school aspect.

2. stay here and enroll as early as fall 2005 at UTA. quit my job and find a job in the social work field gaining experience and building my resume. find cheap student housing and/or roommate and just be very poor for a few years. this would be good because i wouldn't have to make another huge move and put my life in another major upheaval. i would still have to take out loans for school, but perhaps not as much because i am a resident and this is a state school.

if anyone reads this and has an opinion whatsoever as to what you might do, please share. this process is so tiring, i am the worst at making huge decisions like this. i just want someone to come along and tell me what to do. of course this won't be the case, but sometimes i think that would be easiest.

now i am going to try to go back to sleep.

this crazy life

i will not take this seriously. i will chalk this up to mere coincidence. fate. chance. whatever.

the thing is that i got news today of another ex-boyfriend who has gotten engaged. no big deal, but the catch is that he is the second ex who has gotten engaged in the past year to the girlfriend that followed my relationship with the ex. as much as i am sure it has nothing to do with me, it does make me question my own qualities -- in moments of vulnerability. am i a springboard girl? do i show men what it is that they don't want? am i a last fling before settling down?

i was very impressed with myself tonight, as i could have pouted and taken this as an attack on my capabilities to maintain a relationship. instead, when thoughts of the situation came to mind, i reminded myself that i am not in a place where i want to be married quite yet, and definitely not to him. i played soccer, scored a goal, did some grocery shopping and folded laundry. and i was very happy having a laid back evening like this.

3 years ago i was in a relationship with a man that i thought i was going to marry. it turns out that "he just wasn't that into me" and we parted ways. a month later, he was with a woman that he is now engaged to. life is tough and painful, sometimes. that experience has taught me so much about myself and i am so grateful for it. i would have never moved to texas and taken this leap of independence. i can't imagine what my life would be like today if i would have stuck around, waiting for him to make up his mind about if i was good enough for him or not.

i registered for a master's level social work course today. i am taking action on a dream that has been simmering and slow cooking for a long time. this is usually the time when i turn and run from a positive experience, or find a way to sabotage the opportunity. but i am facing it full on and going straight into what i want my future to be. i have to dust off my backpack and sharpen my pencils because it is back to school for bean. this decision would have never come to me so clearly if i had been distracted by a romantic relationship -- i would have been happy to just be loved.

but through this journey, i have learned that there is more to my life than finding love -- it is realizing my goals and dreams and actually taking the risk to accomplish them. sure, love would be nice, but i am realizing that i won't find that love, nor will i be ready to recieve that love, until i take care of myself and give myself unconditional love first. and part of that unconditional love includes nurturing my need to change careers and challenge myself intellectually for my masters of social work.

this isn't to say that i don't have love in my life -- i have an incredible family and amazing friends who fill me up entirely. but we all have that extra pocket for romantic love (kind of like the dessert stomach -- you may be full with dinner, but there is always a little extra room for dessert!). i am sure that pocket will be filled when i am ready and when the stars are aligned and all is right in miss bean's world.

it is so good that feelings are temporary -- they change and shift and evolve. they are not reality. they are momentary mirages. i feel like a lyric from an atmosphere tune, "and i'm gonna be alright, and you're gonna be alright, you ain't gotta hold my hand, just walk with me tonight."

and now it is time to go to sleep. alone. poor guy, he's now engaged and will forever be questioned if he ever wants to sleep alone again!

reality check of a northerner

things you cannot do in minnesota in december:

run your airconditioner because the temperature outside is around 75 degrees and inside your apartment it is hovering around 82 degrees.

go for a long afternoon walk in shorts and a t-shirt and still break a sweat from the warm sunshine.

wear an double extra large wife beater as a dress and lounge around on your open-air porch and be perfectly comfortable drinking ice water.



things you cannot do in texas in december:

loft well packed snowballs at the heads of your friends.

pull off the layered j.crew look without passing out from heat stroke.

truely appreciate hot chocolate on a sunday afternoon after shoveling the walk.



it is a toss up. it really is.

return of saturn

gwen stefani of the band no doubt wrote an entire album dedicated to a time of life -- the mid to late twenties -- when saturn returns to its original place when we were born. it takes about 29 years for saturn to revolve around the sun. it is common for individuals in their 26 - 30 years of life to experience an overwhelming emotional overhauling with life.

this exerpt is taken from an astrology website:

Saturn's return is your time of freedom, because it's your time of becoming an adult. You may find yourself doing this rather naturally. It's a natural time to make decisions. You may find yourself shopping for Ph.D. schools or seeking a real partner or getting out of your bullshit menial job, and find something you look forward to doing every day. If Saturn is present in your life, then this is a time of hard work, of learning focus, and working constructively within limitations. You may discover that everything that held back your maturity is falling apart, which will ultimately leave you free to live your life in a way that works for you and for the culture of which you are, without a doubt, a working part of, and a necessary part of, if only because you are alive.

this holds true for me at this point in my life for sure. i have been immersed in an overwhelming internal battle with what to do, where to go, how to live, etc. it is such a crazy time of life, floundering around, feeling as though my life is well underway, but waiting for something to actually happen. what is it that i am looking for? perhaps just peace of mind, self acceptance.

this is the first time in my life that i don't feel like i am reaching for anything to bring me comfort, to make me feel whole. i feel stable and independent, almost to a fault. i have become selfish with my life and my time. i would rather spend time alone, doing exactly what it is that i want to do, rather than compromise with another and half-heartedly enjoy myself. it could get lonely at some point, and perhaps at that point i will become more willing to share and go outside these boundaries. but for now, it is nice -- i like this leah-time.

as saturn approaches its original place when i was born, i will nurture the selfishness but also force myself outside the lines to avoid complete isolation. i am inherently a social butterfly -- i get it from my mom. but for now, i am in metamorphosis and need to stay in my chrysalis until i am ready to emerge and spread my butterfly wings.

home, home on the range

i love minnesota. there is no getting around it. my family is there. my history is there. my friends are there. there must be something in the water up there (it's clean, perhaps?) that makes everying so genuine, organic, honest and true.

whatever it is, i am still searching madly for it down here..

i was able to see my old apartment mate, jenny. she moved to new york a month before i moved to dallas. i hadn't seen her since she left. it was so good to see her and share experiences about our new homes. she now is a superfly fashion designer, doing the new york thing. it fits her, it seems to be exactly what she was subconsciously seeking, and now it is hers.

i got to spend time with dre. our friendship is one that has miraculously gotten stronger through distance. we are kindred spirits that travel amongst the clouds, giggling and chattering, unaware of much going on around us. i am so proud of the strides dre is making in her life, taking risks, following her path. to thine own self be true.

i was lucky enough to steal time with p. we look into eachothers eyes and see past our fronts, into our souls. no matter where in the world this life takes us, we will always see our truths the moment our eyes meet.

i had coffee with marge. she is such a beacon of light in my life, and in her presence i am transformed. we pick up exactly where we left off last, as if there was no time or distance between us. she is real, and she will never know how much i admire her.

i was a guest in the benson family for an afternoon. beth, dave and izzy compose the most precious young family. with one on the way, they have a home filled with love, laughter and happiness. it is beautiful to see and experience secondhand, if only temporarily.

these people are irreplaceable in my life.

the friendships are unduplicateable.

i treasure them all in my core of my being.